Category Archives: Emotions

Addictions or Interests?

Emotions,

Several months ago, over coffee, a friend and I were talking about addictions and she suggested that a relative of hers (who might have a drinking problem) who watched several films a day was simply substituting films for alcohol. That the alcohol and films were being used to avoid life. After thinking about what she said, not that I necessarily agreed with her, I wondered if anything anyone did, other than breathe could be considered an addiction. What about reading? Reading for pleasure takes you out of your everyday life. What about crafts? What about reading and commenting on blogs? What about writing a blog or a journal?*

My mother used to complain that I read too much. That I should get out and hang out with friends instead of reading constantly. Was I avoiding friends/life by reading? Was I addicted to reading? Was I a wordaholic? Did my reading interfere with the rest of my life? Maybe.

In 1995 we got our first new computer and I bought the game Myst. My kids were young and I’d just gone back to teaching. I remember one day during spring break playing Myst the entire day. Was I avoiding life that day? Was I neglecting my kids? Was I a mystaholic?

Then there was the year I discovered Phyllis Reynolds Naylor. I read many of her books that summer. I remember thinking: at least I’m setting a good example for the kids — reading in front of them.

I guess what I’m trying to say is this — I know I have a predisposition for addiction — it is in my genes. Maybe my friend is right. Maybe I, like her relative, use films, television, books, wine, and the computer to escape from real life. It’s pretty sad though, if that is true. I’ve got a damned good life. Why would I need to escape?**

*I know that an answer is balance and moderation. Read, but read in moderation. Watch films, but watch in moderation. Et cetera.

**I think I know this answer too — it is not life I’m trying to escape, but my reaction to it. My ever-present feelings of insecurity and low self-esteem.

My Mother, My Boss [Part 2 of My Mother Series]

Emotions, Musings, People, , ,

It wasn’t until I had kids of my own that I was able to understand my relationship with my mom.  I’m still not sure I understand it fully — and it might not be until my kids have kids that I do, but it is getting a little clearer as the years go by.

One of the hardest aspects of the relationship is that of authority figure. I’m pretty sure that, from a very young age, I rebelled against authority figures — except I was too shy to rebel in front of anyone other than my family, so most of that rebellion manifested itself into rage at home when I was not given my way or disciplined in anyway. I had temper tantrums and screaming fits. I once picked up a pile of newspapers and as I went to fling them on top of a brand new dining room table realized that something very heavy was among the papers. I flung them anyway and put a dent in that table that is there to this day.

My mom wasn’t all that strict. In fact she was pretty lenient. I was a “good” kid for the most part, except for the tantrums at home. There were times, however that she put her foot down — or at least made suggestions that made me uncomfortable. Like the time she thought I should talk to the popular kids that were in the same store as we were. Or the time that she suggested I stop by the office at school to see if anyone turned in my lost purse that held my retainer because I’d lost so many retainers we were going to have to pay for the next one. I remember the feeling I had about those experiences. My chest felt tight, my throat closed up. I clenched my teeth and fists. My breathing quickened. I was mad. I didn’t want to talk to Laura Holtz. I’d already asked at the office about my lost purse. I didn’t need suggestions. I just needed to be left alone.

I don’t have temper tantrums much anymore. I still occasionally “lose it”, but not like the old days. I still have trouble with authority figures though. Basically, I don’t like being told what to do — especially if I was already planning on doing it or if I had reasons for not doing it. I also have trouble when I’m questioned about an action. I guess in that case I get defensive.

I don’t usually have trouble taking orders from someone who employs me. I try to do the job I’m given. I never had much trouble with teachers or professors — I expected assignments and did them.  The authority figures I have the most trouble with are the ones that one day are my friend or associate and the next day are president of the PTA or a neighborhood or not-for profit-board member for whom I do some odd (volunteer) jobs. I have trouble when they give me assignments — or micromanage whatever tasks I’ve taken upon myself — especially if I’ve been doing it alone for years and they come in and want to change things. Sometimes, even,  my anger can rise when a friend (or my husband) seems to be taking over something I’ve planned.

The anger is the same as what I felt when my mom would make suggestions. And I find myself thinking in a rebellious teenage voice, You Can’t Tell Me What To Do. You’re Not My Mother!

I never do say that aloud, but I don’t always handle it well either. Sometimes I explain my reasoning. Sometimes I reply angrily. Mostly I say nothing, take a deep breath and move on although occasionally I tweet about it or make it my Facebook status.

Tuesday laziness

Emotions,

Spent a good deal of today playing with wordpress. Got one file completed for work, but I really need to focus on those files. The trouble is – it’s way boring and complicated. Where I used to be able to complete a file in an hour or less, the new configuration takes three to four hours a file. It’s not as if I have much say over this – we’re the sub-contractors on this project.

Clare needed a ride home from school. She told me about her terrible day on the drive home – it was a pretty awful day – lots of small annoyances happened all day including a smushed banana in her backpack and a stuffy nose and sinus headache. She also broke her favorite shoe.

I hung another couple of bird feeders. I wonder when I’ll have too many bird feeders in my yard – is has to be soon. I have seven now – and still have my Mothers Day one to hang. I’m going to pick up another double hooked hanging thing-a-ma-bob tomorrow – if I get out that is. I need to stop by the GS Leader’s house to drop off a permission slip, so might as well make it a satisfying trip.