New Years Eve has nearly always made me sad. To me it was not the beginning of a New Year, but the death of an old one.

I suppose I’ve always been the kind of person to look back upon my life rather than look ahead. You can see that in what I write — especially in my journals, but also in posts on my blogs.

As a child I’d envy my parents because they got to go out to parties while I was stuck home with babysitters. Their party hats and nosiemakers the next day were little consolation to a child.

As a teenager I babysat for couples who went out for New Year’s Eve. I’d envision sparkling parties and bubbly champagne and passionate kisses when the clock chimed midnight. Instead of parties I’d be writing in my journal as the old year became the new.

Then when I did have a boyfriend, we celebrated in various ways. I remember a party with some of his college buddies. Kind of lame. I remember one or two New Year’s Eves in Wisconsin — the most memorable being the one in which the proprietor of the bar shouted “drink more whiskey” while tossing firecrackers in the wood burning stove and arguing with me (a vegetarian at the time) about the merits of trapping poor defenseless animals. On the way back to the cabin I grazed a deer.

When the kids were small we’d celebrate with my brother and put the clocks ahead a few hours. Then we’d blow noisemakers and drink sparkling apple cider and hug everyone. The kids never figured it out.

We did celebrate 2000 by going to the National Mall in Washington DC. That was cold and wild. We even let the kids sample champagne at very tender ages. (shhhhh, don’t call the authorities).

Most recently we’ve slept through the festivities. Either because we had to drive from Illinois to Maryland the next day or because we didn’t care.

Tonight Dean is in Elgin and we’re in Bethesda. Even though we’ve had a number of celebrations put on hold (or forgotten) this year, it feels really lonely to be without someone to kiss (or snuggle with) on new years eve. I realized today that Dean and I have not been alone on new year’s eve since the year we met.

Random thoughts about this year.

Larry — Mom’s friend and companion — I wish I’d been more understanding. I wish he could have lived longer.

Our Ireland trip — a very special time and one not soon forgotten

Marcia — what her family must be feeling these days

My mom — she was such a wonderful hostess this Christmas. The time we spent together was perfect.

My dad — love him — he takes a licking and keeps on ticking

The Inlaws — !

My blogging pals — Thank you for sharing your lives with me and for reading and commenting on mine. Happy New Year