Category Archives: Humor

The Girl who Stalked a Tree*

Humor, , ,
Monkey puzzle tree in Ireland
Monkey Puzzle Tree in Ireland

Prologue

Summer 1976. Near Leeds, England. She stood staring at the absurdly strange-looking tree, unable to believe it could possibly survive outside a fantasy world. She didn’t like breaking rules, but she wanted to trespass on the lawn that hosted this tree and touch it to make sure it was real. The tree was quite tall and shaped somewhat like a fir tree and, from a distance, seemed to have needles similar to that of a fir. But that was as far as the similarity went. The only tree she could think of that looked at all like this tree in front of her, was a Norfolk Island Pine.

This tree looked like it might have been around when the dinosaurs were top dog.

Her companion told her that the tree was a monkey puzzle tree. He added that it was thought to be  impossible for a monkey to climb a Monkey Puzzle Tree, hence the name.

Summer 1987 or so. Berkley, California. She and her husband, strolled leisurely around the neighborhood where her husband’s cousin lived. Something about the houses or the streets or the lawns that looked more like gardens reminded her of England and being reminded of English gardens reminded of the long ago monkey puzzle tree.  To her surprise, shortly after thinking about monkey puzzle trees, she saw a one  in front of one of the houses in the neighborhood and pointed it out to her husband, repeating what her companion had said about the tree eleven years earlier.

July 9, 2008. Killarney, Republic of Ireland. Driving around the roundabout that led out of Killarney and onto the Ring of Kerry, she shouted, “A Monkey Puzzle Tree!” and pointed out the passenger’s side window. Everyone in the car got a good look at the tree, and she made a note to take a photo on the way back.

Later that day, after visiting waterfalls, a stone circle and a town called Sneem, the driver pulled the rental car into a parking lot and let her out so she could snap a few photos of the Monkey Puzzle Tree.

Chapter 1
July 25 – August 15, 2008

Upon arriving back from her wonderful trip to Ireland, Dona turned on her Dell Dimension 8400 and began uploading her many photographs of the trip to the photo sharing site, Flickr. She’d kept a journal of her adventures and planned to transcribe the journal to a blog she started on the online blogging site, WordPress.com. She set up the blog and began to type.

Days later, after many cups of coffee, Dona came across the photograph of the monkey puzzle tree. Dona took another sip of coffee and opened up a new tab in her Firefox browser and, into the search field of the browser, typed

"monkey puzzle tree"

The first result on the Google search page was for the Wikipedia article about the Araucanria araucana, more commonly known as the monkey puzzle tree. After reading the article and saving it as a bookmark (Dona does not have a photographic memory, unlike some fictional characters), Dona wondered if it was possible to grow a monkey puzzle tree in her town of Bethesda. Through numerous searches, and cups of coffee, Dona discovered that where she lived in Maryland was in zone 5 for plant hardiness and that the monkey puzzle tree could grow in zone 5. She also read some bulletin boards after searching

"monkey puzzle tree" maryland

and discovered that there was a monkey puzzle tree in Gaithersburg, a town not far from Bethesda. She wondered where it was, but could find no clue even after many searches.

Chapter 2
Months later

Dona needed to make a Christmas list and had lately been thinking about monkey puzzle trees. She wondered if one could purchase a monkey puzzle tree nearby so she typed

"monkey puzzle tree" bethesda

into the search field on her browser. She didn’t find any for sale at the local nurseries, but did discover that a 30 ft. monkey puzzle tree graced the lawn of someone in Bethesda. The listing gave the name of a couple, but no address. Dona’s first thought was to use low technology. She got out the white pages of the phone book, but the name of the owner of the property on which the monkey puzzle tree stood was not listed. Then she searched online, but still could not find the couple who owned the monkey puzzle tree.

Chapter 3
More Months Later

Once again Dona thought about the Bethesda monkey puzzle tree and wondered if she could find more information by searching for the owner’s names separately.  Somehow she was led to an Internet link that led her to believe the monkey puzzle tree was in the neighborhood across from her son and daughter’s high school. She opened Google Maps and tried to see if she could see the monkey puzzle tree from the satellite view. No luck; but then she’d never seen a birds’ eye view of a monkey puzzle tree. The next day she drove around the school neighborhood intently at the trees in people’s yards, trying to find the monkey puzzle tree, but had no luck except that the cops didn’t come and ask her what she was doing staring in people’s back yards.

Chapter 4
Today

Dona opened her RSS reader and noticed that Mali posted a blog post, listing things that made her smile that morning. One of the things was a cabbage tree and Mali conveniently provided a link to a photo of a cabbage tree for readers that had never heard of one. Dona followed the link and then began thinking about the monkey puzzle tree in Bethesda once again.

She searched Google, using various search terms including, again, each name of the owners of the tree. She found a few results that she’d not seen before. One was to an entry in an online guest book for a funeral home signed by one of the owners of the house that hosted the monkey puzzle tree, but it listed her city as Rockville** and her husband’s name was the short version of his full name.  Another result was to a home that sold in 2007. Dona hadn’t thought that they might have moved — and give up ownership of a monkey puzzle tree? What were they thinking? A third (using the husband’s shortened name) was to another online guest book for a funeral home in which the husband mentioned being a neighbor of the deceased and mentioned a name of a street which was adjacent to the one the house that was sold.

Jackpot!

Dona hopped in her black Camry and drove past the house. There, in the front yard, was a 30 foot tall monkey puzzle tree.

*with apologies to the late Stieg Larsson

**The house is technically in Rockville, but is listed as North Bethesda some places

More parenting panic

Humor

So the other day school was canceled because of snow. It was a near perfect kind of snow — not too much (about 4 inches) and heavy, but not so heavy it broke tree branches — at least around here. But it was pretty wet. I didn’t even have to brush off the car because gravity and the curved surfaces on the Camry did it for me.

Andrew made plans to go sledding with some friends before he went to an unofficial wrestling practice at a local private school that didn’t have a snow day. I was out shopping for food for book group so didn’t see him when he got back from sledding, but when I did get home I passed his computer and saw what was on the monitor:

WebMD — symptoms of frostbite

I chuckled to myself thinking his hands probably got a little cold and thought it was frostbite.

Later when Dean got home I told him about the search Andrew had done and he thought the same thing I did.

Then Andrew got home and I asked him which part of his body did he think was frostbitten. He took off his shoe and showed me his foot. It had large black patches on it. He said that when he saw his foot and Googled frostbite the article mentioned blackness.

I think I must have gotten shrill as I made plans to rush him to the emergency room. Dean suggested we call a doctor. I was about to find the telephone number when someone — Andrew maybe? or perhaps Dean — realized that if he really did have frostbite he would be in a lot of pain.

Then I remembered that when I came back from shopping I tripped over his shoes. His wet shoes. His wet BLACK shoes.

Of course Andrew had already figured this out.

Kids!

My 24 hours away from the Internet

Humor, Life

Not counting using my phone to check Facebook notifications (one time) and email (about 10 times), I spent yesterday Internet free. I mean I never used my computer to connect to the Internet.

Here’s what I did instead:

  • Gave a real live, in-person presentation to approximately 40 people about PDF accessibility with a woman I’d met via Twitter and my PDF accessibility blog (my first talk to that many people in 8 years not counting the brief one at a funeral)
  • Drove back and forth to Rockville twice
  • Watched my son’s wrestling team win their meet
  • Visited with son and husband while they packed waited for their ride to Snowshoe for two days of skiing and male bonding (2 adult males & 3 male teens)
  • Leafed through [every page] of the used copy of Jeff Smith’s Frugal Gourmet I recently picked up at a library sale.
  • Made and ate croque monsieur (and half an avocado with balsamic vinegar) for dinner (oh, yeah, and some red wine too)
  • Watched 2 movies (I Love You Man & The Yes Man — [was I missing my men?]) on Cinemax which we get free for 3 months because Verizon hopes we forget to cancel and then they can charge us even more money than they already do
  • Went to sleep at 9:30 (possibly result of red wine)

And you know what? Nothing bad happened. I didn’t get any important emails that I had to answer by last night. No one had a pressing question about PDF accessibility on my accessibility blog. No one had an email that had to be sent immediatly on my neighborhood email list. The wrestling coach didn’t have a post that had to be put up ASAP.

Will I do it again soon? Probably not.

Was it refreshing to stay away from the Internet for a whole day? Eh, it was fine. I didn’t really notice until this morning.

Did I accomplish  more than I would have done had I been online some of the day? Not really. Maybe. I don’t know. Maybe.

Do I have a problem and am I addicted to the Interenet? No comment.